About those fingers: No, I haven’t been flailing about mummified for three weeks. Although, that first day, had I stuck by my original intentions, I’d have rivaled King Tut by four pm.
At which time I decided that:
- Losing all the fingers on one hand was going far enough; point taken. And,
- I would need to give myself a clean slate every morning. Even God is that merciful.
So the next morning I rose, set out the box of band-aids… and thought to myself, “This could get really expensive. And time consuming.”
And then, “Unless… I just knock it off.” I mean, really: how ridiculous is self-punishment?
And believe it or not, I was able to just. quit. Stop entertaining those thoughts. If you know me, you’ll realize how miraculous that is; divine intervention is the only explanation.
Because I’ve tried to change this tendency in myself for close to thirty years without success. But for some reason, things clicked.
I find it much more efficient to not let things get to me. The two year old just redecorated twenty-four square feet of wall with one crayon while I made him a sandwhich?
What are you going to do about it, really? (And what did you expect a two year old would do with a crayon, anyway?) My options were to stew about finding a brush, touch up paint, and a kid-free couple hours–not to mention putting down lunch prep to bind my own fingers which would make repainting even more difficult and time consuming–or: I could just hand him a coloring book, point out an alternate use for crayons, and continue with the pb&j assembly line.
So much easier. And I don’t get a headache. And my hair is growing back.
No kidding. In the past three weeks or so my hair has stopped falling out in clumps, and I’ve got almost half an inch of new growth sprouting all over my head. I only noticed because the fringe along my hair line makes it look like maybe I cut really short bangs for some reason.
I don’t know if it’s this, or the result of other changes (in my diet, etc,) but I’m not complaining. I wasn’t looking forward to wig shopping.
The second day of the experiment, I probably deserved one good binding–when I found myself literally hyperventilating over the behavior of someone way beyond my influence.
But that was it.
It’s been eerie, how simple the choice has been, to just not go there. Just don’t think it. Don’t do it. Don’t stew. Take a deep breath and believe that all things work together for your good. I have paid lip service to this in the past, but I also only took that deep breath after figuratively going blue in the face, first–because letting frustrations and worries go was a last resort for problems I proved irrefutably I was incapable of solving.
So my fingers have been as nimble as ever, albeit dedicated solely to academic rattling of the keyboard and not mental musings of this sort. This semester has been concussive, brutal in its demands and relentless. But it gets me out of bed in the morning, and that’s always a good thing. But I have been neglecting this and I have decided upon repentance–or an attempt thereat. Time will tell.