Why is it that after weeks of agonizing over how to terminate childcare for two children that I knew needed, needed, needed to go, why after all the frustration and worry, now that the deed is done, can I not turn my brain off about the process of terminating them?

I was wide awake all night, vastly relieved to have them gone; but still the brain is churning it out, rehashing everything said, not said, done, not done.

M doesn't understand that. After all, we talked about it for weeks–months–about the problems developing; we knew these kids were not a good fit here–and so he is able to turn over and start snoring; just put them and everything associated with them out of his mind now that they are out of his house.

For some reason I am incapable of doing that, I think. Biologically hardwired to be incapable of just brushing aside conflict. I was not built for it in any form. I am a pleaser, a smoother, a diplomat and even when I know a situation is not due to diplomatic failure on my part, it bothers me. Deeply.

Wide awake.




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One response to “Churning

  • Grandma-P

    I have never understood how men can just drop of to sleep when us ladies are seemingly carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders and trying mentally to solve these problems instead of sleeping. A many a Christmas Eve my husband would go to sleep knowing all the elves would have everything done in the morning. Yip we women play the role of elves too.

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