The Comic Relief in Your Voters’ Pamphlet

Going through my voters' pamphlet this afternoon as my ballot is due next Tuesday. Fascinating, this living in America. I have ten choices for governor.

Javier Lopez looks like a carnie-extraordinaire, from the grinning mugshot printed here–complete with greased back locks and an abundance of ungroomed facial hair. His bid for office appears to be, primarily, that he is "an outspoken critic" of government waste and the sexual abuse of children by "members of the educational profession."  AND as "an artist and inventor I have come up with an invention that will solve all of the world's problems. I have invented an air engine." Hmm. Okay, Javier. Good luck with that.

Mohammad Hassan Said wants to "WITHDRAW WASHINGTON NATIONAL GUARD FROM IRAQ IMMEDIATELY." All caps, in case someone flipping through the pamphlet might otherwise miss it. Also he wants to amend the constitution somehow  so that Congress no longer has the power to declare war. He wants to "lead trade missions to Cuba, Venezuela, Iran, Syria, etc." Oh, and my favorite–because I want the governor of my state totally obsessed with the problems and governance of countries on the other side of the world–he wants to (again in all caps) "PROMOTE ONE STATE SOLUTION FOR PALESTINIAN-ARAB ISRAELI CONFLICT, so Jews Christians and Muslims can live in Secular State like ours."   Really good luck with that campaign, Said.

Who else can I vote for. Oh! James White not only has a good American name, but has listed as experience just one thing: "Elected Treasurer for The Moose Lodge" Again–that Capitilization is oh so impressive. He can't spell, or use an apostrophe correctly, but he loves his caps lock, and puts it to abundant use. Maybe that's all this state needs. Someone who can stand up and shout for CONSTITUTIONAL items of whatnot and so forth. Not to mention his love of italics. . .

Let see, we have various other candidates including a Hotel Chairman with a bachelor's degree in political science, who seems to have distilled the statements made by every other candidate since (but not including) Abe Lincoln into one short generic statement of his own. Ditto the Public Works Lead Inspector who has a BS in geology. 

Ooooh. This guy: Christian Pierre Joubert, who specializes in alternative medicines "including, but not limited to amazing dopamine-producing raw vegan chocolate mousses" that will solve not only Washington's problems, but end world hunger and make the deserts bloom.  

Tempting. . . I do so love chocolate mousse. And such mousse.

Duff Bagley wants to divert Boeing to manufacture solar and wind power equipment. He doesn't say if that would be some kind of hostile government takeover of a private aircraft manufacture or how, exactly, that would happen, but he's green, right? And we all so love our Green Party candidates. He has a long list of other things, besides aircraft that he would outlaw, including people driving cars by themselves. Must have a carload, or you stay home, sorry. This guy is like a Hitler with a green conscience. He's all about "demands" and "outlawing". The "poor exempted" of course.

There is, of course, the incumbent Gregoire. Need I say more?

Will Baker whose sole bid is to expose the corruption of the above named incumbent. I may vote for him . . . Actually, I don't think he's seriously running. I think he just somehow managed to rig the voters' pamphlet so that if he listed himself as a candidate he could have the opposite page on the same spread as Gregoire blasting her to the lower depths where she allegedly belongs.

Last of all, we have Dino Rossi, who I know nothing about, but after reading the rest of these, I am ready to vote for. I shall have to read up more later, as it's time to make dinner, and I have yet to figure out how to save a post in VOX. Is that possible? Just save a draft and post it later? Should be, I think.

As it is, I'll have to leave you hanging, wishing for more of my oh-so-insightful political commentary. Hungry hordes call. 

 

 

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